Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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