She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I AM VODKA MAN
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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