Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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