The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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