So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
