last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
