it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
