Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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