I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
