i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
