I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
