piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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