You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
