I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
