Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
