we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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