dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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