Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
