i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
