Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
