"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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