did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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