i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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