omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
