At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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