girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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