Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
