Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize