okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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