I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You ruined the universe
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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