Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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