My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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