Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
