Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
