Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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