First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
