So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
