There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
