I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
