there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
