I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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