In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
