dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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