The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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