Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
