You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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