I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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