i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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