The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
