Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something