I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober