I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.