Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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