I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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