Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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