So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
