her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
