i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
