Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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