I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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