I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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